At a crossroads

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Stungonce 5 years, 11 months ago.

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  • #6573

    jimtaylor
    Participant

    Hello All,
    This is my first post on here and so it’s going to be a bit of an introduction as well. I have decided that I just have gotten to the point that I need some outside perspective and opinions of people who have nothing emotionally or mentally invested into my relationship. So to introduce myself, I am 21 year old college student and I am one semester away from graduating with my Bachelors of Science Degree in Economics. I have been working full time the entire time I have been in college and due to academics I was one of the lucky few able to get out of college with only having my car as debt. I am in a fraternity and I know that’s going to immediately bring out some judgments but that’s fine. Everybody has their stereotypes. Really, most of life is going very well except for my relationship.
    I have been with the same girl for about the last two years. She is what I consider to be my first real girlfriend and my first love. I love her so much which is part of what makes this so very difficult. I am also not ashamed to admit that I lost my virginity to her on our third date and I don’t regret it at all because she is a great person and she is still somebody I love. She is the only girl in my entire life that I have really done anything with because I do have a core value system that I measure things by…. or at least that’s my excuse, I am actually just plain awkward and oblivious to all signs of attraction. 😀 So through high school and stuff I really didn’t feel the need to date and I really didn’t have the confidence to do so.
    Things changed when I get to the University and I decided that I was ready to start dating but I never felt a connection with anybody until I met Jane (Name changed). I had never kissed a girl on a first date nor had I ever just felt so relaxed and comfortable. Everything just went so smoothly and so I didn’t hold back any longer. I gave it my all and things were going great.
    I met her at the same time I was pledging my fraternity so I didn’t have much free time with having a full school schedule, work schedule and Greek life schedule. It resulted in us not seeing each other as much as had wanted to but I promised her through the whole process that once it was over she would be my number one priority, always. So through all of my pledging experience she was very supportive and would come over any time I text or called her. She was just always so excited to see me and despite the little amount of time we had, we had quite often. We were very intimate and were always holdings hands, kissing, cuddling, sitting close together and just generally enjoying each other’s company.
    Now I do place a lot of value on intimacy and because I believe they are a physical representation of love. I don’t have with random people and I do kiss random people. Not that it doesn’t sound like it would be fun or that I haven’t daydreamed about it but when I really get thinking about it, it’s just not me. So I place a lot of value on them since it’s something I only do with my partner and on top of that, it’s just fun. I don’t see why society places such a negative stigma on . If you are handling it in a healthy way and not doing anything super risky, I don’t see any real negatives.
    Sorry, I go off on tangents now and again. 😀 Back to the story, like I promised, once pledgeship ended she became my number one priority. We moved in together and I was always home. I took her places and took her to parties but I started to notice something and that was that the amount of intimacy we were having was really starting fall. I had expected it too slow down with time, once the initial excitement wore off but not to such a degree that it did.
    After noticing this, I brought to her attention and she really didn’t have explanation for why it was happening. She basically said, she just didn’t have any real desire for . Hearing this from her hurt a little but I don’t give up easy, so we started trying everything possible. I did candle lit dinners, massages, bringing toys into the bedroom, role playing, dirty talking, etc… None of it really worked. We talked a lot about it and she always said she enjoyed and it felt great but she just really didn’t see that it had much value.
    So day by day, not only did the stop but so did all other forms of intimacy. There was no making out or romantic kissing or any of that. It became almost like we were just roommates that had now and again. It’s gotten so bad that it might be a month in between the times we are intimate and I am still making her dinner, taking her out on dates and such but that doesn’t work. I ask her if there is something wrong and she says there isn’t. She is a little depressed because she has no idea what she wants to do with her life but she is also 19 so has plenty of time to figure that out. She compares herself to me though and I try to tell that’s not fair to herself. She needs to find her own niche in the world and just be happy with who she is. What she tells me about though is that it’s not that she doesn’t want to have with me but that she also doesn’t want to have with anybody. I have never heard her ever call a guy hot, except Hugh Laurie and that is because of his personality. She is far more attracted to other women than she is guys, so that may be a part of this.
    Because of this, I am not happy and though I love her I can’t see us being together in the long run anymore. Besides this we really don’t have much other areas of conflict. She is a little more practical than me and down to earth while I am a little bit more head in the clouds type. I write poetry and novels, plus I study psychology, religion, sociology and just like observing people. We are both introverts so we get a long in that way but she really has no opinion and pretty much anything unless she doesn’t like it. She is very dependent and defers to me on every decision.
    That frustrates me a little bit because I like to encourage everybody to be independent and I want her to have her own life and not just tag along on mine. In all honesty, we have never yelled at each other or argued. We have discussions about things but it never escalates to anything more than just a level headed discussion with the purpose of solving our issues. The problem is that despite everything being honest and out in the open, these discussions aren’t working.
    Now in the past month and half or so, things have started to get a little better but only after I started to emotionally and physically withdrawing from her. I started just going and doing my own thing and not being the dependable guy she had been used to. It’s not like wasn’t there or doing what I needed to. I cleaned the house and paid the bills but after I would go do my own thing. I would go up to my fraternity and be there late. She never tells me how she feels about it despite me asking but I know it bugs her but I can’t sit at home and be miserable for her sake anymore.
    So I have started emotionally and physically withdraw as I prepare for whatever may come. While doing this though, all a sudden, the intimacy kicked up. The last two weeks, she has been all over me and has been actually initiating things for once. It’s frustrating as hell because I am getting so many mixed signals and I have told her this too. It’s like the only time she wants me is when I am an asshole and that’s not me. I don’t like being this way for long periods of time and if I am going to be in a relationship, I need to do so whole heartedly.
    I guess I am just lost for what I should do. Every bit of advice I have gotten so far is that if I am not happy, I should break up with her. That’s easier said than done because I do love her and at one time I could see spending the rest of my life with her. It sucks that things changed and so I am just trying to put everything on the table at the moment. She is not a bad person and we are great friends but like I said before it feels like our relationship has become purely plutonic.
    I don’t want to hurt her by breaking up with her but I am starting think that doing so may be best thing for us both in the long term.

    #48538

    Ksenia
    Participant

    Have you asked her why the intimacy came back when you were around less? Maybe she was feeling suffocated with you hovering all the time trying to get her into bed. I know i hate when I feel like everything my boyfriend does is just to get laid.
    Or it could be that she feels like you are pulling away and getting ready to leave, so she’s trying to stop that by giving you what you want.

    #48537

    smackie9
    Participant

    It’s not unheard of when the relationship runs out of steam and you just fall out of love. She’s probably thinking of how SHE is going to break up with you without it hurting you too much.

    The only way to deal with this is talk to her about it. Just be honest and say that this relationship seems to have come to an end. Then ask her honestly, does she want out.

    #48539

    Stungonce
    Participant

    Shes very young give her time. No one is too blame. Im 30 and I have these issues.
    You are very young too dont stress too much. Ask yourself can you live without her?

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