January 4 at 8:18 pm #6549
New to online forums, please bare with me.
My husband and I started dating when I was 23 ( he was 40) and at that time I had an almost two year old boy. It seemed we were perfect for each other, we got along so well, never fought and he took to my little boy as well. We married six months later and found out I was about seven weeks pregnant. We discussed getting married (he never asked, it was just a discussion) and then boom, we were married. After we had the baby, communication stopped. I was really confused as I had never been married before and he had been married 3 times prior. He stopped playing with my son (his step son), stopped showing any affection to both of us and physically neglected me for approx. 3 months. I didn’t say anything be use at this point he became really unapproachable. He wasn’t mean or abusive, but very emotionally detached to my son and I but not his blood son. Aout 6 months passed going in and out of this phase with him I thought we needed to get out as adults and talk. We got home, I told him what has been bothering me for all of these months and why I let it slide and not say anything (3 failed marriages, one son from previous wife). He tells me (very loudly) that Alex (his blood son with me) is his last chance. Last chance for what? I continued. He’s just my last chance. Well, I had a son (Devin) when I met you, why can’t they both be your last chance? He never answered so I tried another route. I asked him if he’d ever thought of adopting Devin. He said, “why should I give him something that his father should’ve given him in the first place?” I wasn’t happy about this but also knew we both had been drinking so again I let it slide. For the years (9) leading up to
now I have stood up for him when his mother, brother, two sisters, my two brothers, mother, and some friends ask why doesn’t he show the same affection or attention towards Devin as he does with Alex. I have been so love struck through the years because I was afraid of talking to him about it because he has always supported us and has been an incredible provider for us, I guess I was afraid for some reason. Not sure.
So, in my sons (Devin) life he has received 2 hugs from him and the sad part is I can count them. He’s now 12 struggles in school and has very low confidence. Fast forward to this past summer. I get a phone call from my mother who in an innocent conversation asked me if I made home videos. I did when my kids were babies and still make little clips ofthem on my phone when my husband is not around. Ater that conversation, I had an ahhh haa moment. The videos that idid take when they were little basically showed me playing with the kids (plural) and him walking in from work setting his stuff down, changing just to come back and play with Alex (our blood son), but not Devin. Devin all the while was standing in the hallway barely smiling but getting somewhat giddy but his physical appearance shows him basically wanting my husband to play with him as well. It’s always been that way. They never have any conversations, none. He buys them stuff (Devin too) but as I’ve said a million times, money can’t buy love. He thinks otherwise. It’s been 4 months since that phone call and I must say, it literally broke me in half. I can’t seem to think about anything else. It’s killing me inside. The more I think about this, the more I think about other moments we’ve had where my son basically begs (inside) for my husbands attention. My son Devin asked me two days before new years eve if he and my husband will ever become friends. How on earth do I answer that? After 4 months of not really knowing how to approach it and the last two weeks being extremely silent towards him, he cornered me and asked me to talk to him about what’s bothering me. I cried like a little baby the entire time. And told him everything. He had drank 2 pitchers of beer that night (New Years Eve) at home, he drinks but doesn’t normally get drunk. Normally he’ll drink about 2 -3 mugs a night. I don’t drink so this was very awkward for me. He yelled divorce 3 times and kept asking me what I was going to do. Is there another man. No, there isn’t. He’s also very jealous. If I say hello to a male neighbor, I automatically want him. We just recently bought a house as well, but we can’t hang any pictures inside the house only in his man cave (garage). I asked him to attend church counseling with me, he said no. “I’ve never tried to change you, don’t ever change me.” I attend church regularly. The next day (completely sober) he called crying hysterically saying that he doesn’t was to lose his family and that it just doesn’t work without us. He said he’ll do anything. I told him that I was going to seek counseling from our church and he should start the process by spending more time with the kids, one on one. And becoming their friend. I am so incredibly lost right now, I just don’t know what to think.
I am beginning to think that it’s all one way for him and need someone else’s input.
Did I marry to quickly…. Does he care?…… I’m not sure.
Please, I would appreciate any and all advice anyone has to offer. I am desperate, I admit it.
Looking back now…. Had I been in this frame of mind when I first asked him about adopting my son, I would’ve left him.
Thank you all so much in advance, I apologize for the lengthy post.
JoyceFebruary 1 at 7:18 pm #48516
Yours is a tough situation and I had almost the same thing. Divorced and second wife was all loving with my son from my first marriage and then when we had children together, she flipped like a light switch and showed him no affection.
Maybe it’s a subconscious thing that they feel that they can’t love the step child the same as their own blood cause maybe they feel that they’re splitting their love and their own blood child should get it all. Who knows. To me love is all encompassing and everyone gets the same.
I left my second wife because my first responsibility is to my children. God entrusted me with their care and upbringing. If it’s a choice between me staying married and my child being neglected, unhappy and not feeling love, or getting out and making sure my child is emotionally taken care of….then i’m getting out of the marraige and getting my child into a healthy, loving environment.
Children come first. We made that choice when we decided to make them.
Just an FYI…drinking two to three mugs of beer a night is a dependancy (alcoholic). Sounds like he needs alcohol as a crutch and that’s a problem that’s only going to get worse.
Investigate getting out. You sons self esteem and emotional well being should be your first concern.
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