January 18 at 12:30 am #6644
I suppose I’ll start from the beginning. I’ll be as honest as possible, even if it makes me sound awful. : My ex and I started dating when we were 17/18 and broke up when we were 19/20. We were friends beforehand and we clicked extremely well. Our personalities were always great together and we had more chemistry than I’ve ever known two people to have. He had commitment issues a couple months into dating that lasted until we broke up. We’ve never NOT been on speaking terms and have talked strictly platonically occasionally since we broke up. We’ve been since realized the problems that we had and have talked about why we think they happened. He says that he was too young and immature to not be terrified of the commitment. I had my share of problems as well – I was selfish, demanding and very neurotic (I still am, but I was much worse as a teen). We’re now in our mid 20s, and we haven’t seen each other since a couple months after the break up.
I began dating my current significant other a few months after the ex and I broke up. We just became engaged last year. Like I said, my ex and I have always talked occasionally, but the conversation has been going on for about a month now and it’s turned into a different sort of conversation. A couple years ago, my fiance and I moved across the country for work. My fiancé is a great, amazing guy. We are excellent for each other in so many practical ways, but I have to admit that even when we were just dating, there wasn’t THAT much chemistry. And as of right now, there’s not much at all. I know this is awful for a couple in their 20s in a modern relationship, but we don’t have a lot. We used to a moderate amount, but now I’d say we probably do once a month, or even less. That’s bad, right? We don’t fight, we don’t have any problems, and on paper, everything is great.
When my ex and I began this current conversation, it was strictly platonic for quite a while. Then it began to turn a little flirtatious, just a little. I don’t know exactly when or how, but all of a sudden, we’re admitting to each other that we would really like to see each other. While he’s always hinted throughout the years that he thinks of me often and still loves me, he’s never said it until now. We are actually moving back home later this year, which is something that I (well, WE) decided before all of this. I don’t want to be a stupid girl and say “he’s changed, I know he has”, but something has certainly changed. He has a good job and his own apartment (mind you, he was kind of a momma’s boy and didn’t have a job when we were together) and obviously, he’s grown up… it’s been years.
I don’t know what it is that I want. The ex and I have been talking about seeing each other as friends when I move back home and then deciding if this is what we really want – to be together again. However, I’m planning on getting married around that same time. Everything has fallen into the weirdest timeline. I don’t know what to do. I’ve always been hesitant on getting married… while I haven’t exactly dated a lot of men, I’m freaked out about staying with the same person the rest of my life… to me, it just seems like a prison sentence, no matter how good the man. I’m almost positive that I have feelings for the ex, whether they’re new or it’s just been something that’s always been hidden underneath. I have those funny feelings that I remember always having around him… the butterflies in the stomach, my face turning bright red hot when we talk… things I don’t remember ever having with my fiancé. I’ve talked with my fiancé about waiting to have the wedding until we move back.. which honestly just makes sense anyway since it would let us use more money we need to move (our wedding is going to be super small and simple). But he doesn’t want to. I think he’s suspicious that I’m having doubts on getting married, which wouldn’t be surprising of me, since I’ve always shown a little hesitation.
I’m not an irrational, irresponsible person. I desperately don’t want to hurt my fiancé. But at the same time, I have to think what I really want in life. Whether that’s being single or being with my ex, I don’t know. Is it possible to love two people, but in slightly different ways? I could marry my fiancé and live a totally comfortable life and have someone to always care for me. But at the same time, what about the chemistry? What about being with someone who can still make me blush after knowing me for almost 10 years? I’ve been entirely honest with my ex and told him pretty much everything that I’ve said here, and he understands and isn’t pushing me at all either way. Obviously there are the trust issues I’d have initially, which of course we’re both aware of.
What to do?
PS. If I’ve made anything confusing, just ask! My mind is a bit of a jumbled mess… :/
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