How long is "normal" to think about your ex???

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    jrb106
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    Hi, I’m hoping I can get some good insight here. I’m really approaching my wit’s end and it’s frustrating and depressing.

    Ok… my ex and I broke up last June, so roughly 8 months ago. We met when I was a senior in college (she was a junior) and were together for 8 months. I broke up with her b/c I didn’t feel happy. I thought it was her, but really it was just my total lack of experience in relationships (she was my first serious relationship, and I was hers as well). I was really excited early in the relationship b/c she was amazing and was crazy about me, so we spent basically every day together starting only like 2 months into the relationship. Once the “newness” wore off I basically felt smothered. I didn’t do anything for myself anymore (whether that be friends, a hobby, etc.). So I broke up with her. About 2.5 months passed and I missed her terribly. I talked to her and told her how I felt. She reluctantly agreed to see me when she returned to school (she lived/lives out of state). I taught her how to love, so with barely no effort the sparks immediately flew and we were back together. I was graduated, so we had to travel to see each other on the weekends (about a 3.5 hour drive or bus ride). After being together another 6 months, shortly after Valentine’s day, we had for the first time (in the total prior 14 months we did everything else but she wasn’t ready for more yet). It was both of our first times.

    We were together for about 3.5 months more after this. She graduated and didn’t know where her life was going. She could stay where she was to be with me, or go home (half the country away) and be with her friends and family. She wanted me to say stay, and I said go home. She was broken again. I thought it was the right decision, I didn’t feel that upset by it even though I knew I loved her. I felt trapped b/c I was afraid she would resent me if I made her stay, and felt like there was never any turning back at that point, like if I said stay, we would eventually get married.

    Fast forward about 3.5 months. During this time span I thought about her from time to time and would miss her when I did. Once during that time I really wished I told her to stay. But, I didn’t know if it was her or if I just felt lonely b/c I had been so used to being with somebody who cherished me. Long story short, I met somebody new online. It was exciting to have to win somebody over again, and to feel all those intense emotions again. During the first 6 or 7 weeks with this girl, I seldom thought of my ex. I assumed I was happy and I was over her and she was just a happy memory (truly happy, we never fought or argued or anything, everybody was positive we would be married someday).

    Then my problems started, and why I’m here. She began to find her way into my thoughts a lot. I made a severe tactical error and contacted her, thinking maybe I was just concerned about how she was doing in her new life. After all, we were lovers and best friends for 2 years and never had a fight, argument, or spiteful moment with each other. I still did, and still do, truly care for her very deeply. Anyhow, I found out she also had a new partner. This sent me into the miserable downward spiral I can’t break out of. I just can’t picture her with somebody else, and the thought of her being intimate with another man makes me feel horribly sick. Some days are worse than others.

    It’s not so simple as “you still love her” though. I’m still with the girl I met online, we’ve been together nearly 5 months now. We are ridiculously compatible, get along very well, have loads in common, and are very ually attracted to one another. She makes me happy and I get that “love feeling” from her, and she is totally smitten with me. When I’m with her, my ex does not cross my mind more than once or twice during a 3 day weekend. But when I’m alone, i.e. right now, I find myself thinking about my ex constantly. Replaying the entire relationship and wondering how something “so sure” went awry so quickly. I frequently find myself “telling my brain” to shutup and stop being absurd. I ask myself, why think about and miss somebody who is half the country away, who would not re-enter the relationship even if she lived next door, and is (mostly) past me and with somebody new. And MOST importantly, why is this happening in my head when I’ll be the first to say my current gf has more in common with me than my ex ever did, and that she makes me happy and I do the same for her.

    These thoughts are wildly erratic in their emotional impact… sometimes they are just random thoughts that crop up when I’m not doing anything and sometimes they make me feel like I’m about to cry or fill with rage (not directed at anyone or anything, mind you, I’m a very passive person). It just does not make sense to me, thus why I am looking for help and thoughts about what is going on with me! Please, any opinion is appreciated!

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