I’m the jerk

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    I do want advice and want to know what I can do to fix my sorry life, but I not only feel powerless I’m pretty sure I am. so I’m just here to rant.

    I’ve been starting to hate my life lately because I do everything my wifes way. Being here and talking about my problems is something that I want because I think it’s best but I don’t think my wife thinks so (I haven’t told her). I can’t remember the last time I did something ‘my way’ like this, I have a feeling it’s been more then a year or 2. I spend every moment trying to do what my wife wants and trying to make her happy and doing things her way. Even when I relax I do it because I know if I don’t I’ll get in a bad mood or stress myself out enough to start feeling bad and then my wife will tell me what a jackass I’m being for getting in a bad mood.

    I shouldn’t say the word “jackass” though because shes made it a point to tell me how wrong it is to use that word and that I’m being a jerk for picking that word, but without using the word “jerk” I’m bad for picking that word too, but not “bad”.

    I’ve spent the past few years trying to work myself up to being capable of normal communication with her and I’ve learned a lot of things. I’ve taken and aced a writing class, I can almost speak another language, I’m social and talk with strangers now and I debate religion (I picked this one because of the high emotional levels often found). If you had met me a year before meeting her you would probably think there was something really wrong with me because I could hardly even spell right, but no matter how far I come when it comes to talking with her I just can’t seam to get it for some reason.

    When I use the skills I learned in writing class to express myself in different ways I should “just come out and say it already!”. When I try to express things as I would learn them in the other language like using pictures I’m “dumbing things down to much and acting like [shes] stupid”. When I ask questions to make sure I understand things right I “should already know that…”. When I try to break things down into simple parts to deal with things one at a time like I would when debating religion she wishes I could “just talk about things like a normal human being.”. If I think about things to carefully and pick my words she can’t stand me going quiet so much and if I try to think on my feet and let the conversation flow naturally then she tells me asks me how many times I’ve been told that I need to think out what I say before I say it because I know I’ve messed so much up thanks to that. AND GOD HELP ME IF I GIVE UP BECAUSE THEN IT’S LIKE I DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT THIS RELATIONSHIP THAT GOVERNS EVERY CHOICE I MAKE.

    I can’t stand all this pressure. We had a small fight this morning because she can tell something is bothering me and I don’t want to tell her about it because the last 3 times (or more I’m not sure) I tried to tell her this is bothering me told me I was being selfish, but not “selfish” and a jerk, but not a “jerk” and told me how much I’m hurting her by stressing out and trying to make her happy 24/7. It sure doesn’t make me feel I’m being selfish living my life for her, but it doesn’t make me feel like I can do a single thing right either.

    I don’t care if I’m ever happy again. All I hope for anymore is to see her smile and know that I’m not getting in the way of that, but I can’t seam to escape from acting selfish, making things about me, not bothering to help her, being a child, letting stupid things bother me, keeping my emotions in, not doing things right, not thinking about things and generanlly messing everything up and being a jerk, but not a “jerk” every five seconds.

    So I’m sick of giving in and letting her win every argument we have. I’m sick of doing everything her way. I’m sick of being the bad guy and being a jerk all the freaking time. But it’s not like it matters if I’m sick of it because if I try to tell her I’m sick of her winning all the arguments then she will tell me it’s not about “winning” and I’ll end up feeling like a jerk for even talking about it, but better not tell her I feel like a “jerk” because that’s not what she said and then we will do things her way.

    Maybe I’ll just go do the dishes in scalding hot water and put on a happy face.

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