January 17 at 3:09 pm #6643
I have a situation with my ex-girlfriend I would like some of your opinions on. I’ll try to keep it short and concise!
I am 26 and I met this lovely girl who is 20 in the beginning of September. We hit it of really well and fell for each other quite fast. I love her she loves me. The situation: We broke up in late December because I had an emotional outburst while I was drunk on whiskey. I had went up with her to visit her family during the holidays and we had planned to see one of my friends who lived there on an outing because I hadn’t seen him in a long while and it was his birthday. She changed her mind about an hour prior to us meeting up with a my friend and others to go over to her friend’s house to smoke weed with him while I was out. I got a little bit upset because I felt like she prioritized this over spending time with me like she said she would. We hadnt seen each other in a long whirl because she had been up visiting her family for quite awhile during the season.
I began drinking and became more aggravated with the situation because my friends were curious as to why she wasn’t with me when i came up to see her and also because I had no idea where I was in this city and had no transportation. She came to talk with me and I had a verbal outburst because I was angry, upset, and drunk. This is the second time this has happened, because she did mushrooms alone with a guy when we were together and got messed up. I’m normally a very rational and diplomatic person when it comes to resolving conflict, but obviously alcohol is a problem. I give her my undying love every other day other than these two outbursts. I love her and passionately enjoy our time together and she feels the same. Our relationship was solid 98% of the time aside from the two mentioned events. It is also important I point out that I do not drink very often, so I know I don’t have a drinking problem.
In addition, I do know now I have emotional difficulties at times, especially when there is liquor involved. I have been hurt in the past with gf’s I have deeply loved being unfaithful to me, and perhaps that precipitates my issues with trust and substance use. I admit that i have trouble with gf’s doing drugs alone with other guys I do not know. She has done this before and it has upset me (was harder drugs), but i didn’t make it clear to her because I didn’t want to tell her what she can and cannot do. I’m not nor do I wish to be a controlling person. In hindsight, I suppose I hoped she’d know with common sense it might be something that would make me uncomfortable.
I have insight into this matter and have begun taking the necessary steps to working through and overcoming my emotional issues (which I feel are routed in difficulties with past relationships and abuse while I was younger) using self-help, psychiatry, and counseling services.
The outburst resulted in me taking a bus home because we couldn’t see eye to eye on the situation. A few days after we broke up, we both decided to rationally discuss things and still are to this day. The talks started a few weeks ago and we have both learned from the event and realized we need stronger communication about our needs and I need to lay off liquor and get professional help to work on controlling my emotions if I were to become irrational and avoid outbursts. There are definitely better, more “adult” ways to discuss things and ultimately mitigate conflict.
Here comes the complicated part, she said that she cant be with me now for fear of getting hurt again, but will wait for me until I sort out my issues and get the proper tools to deal with my emotions. She claims that this can be between 3 and 6 months, but “who knows”. Her family and friends also dislike me now because she got them involved, which makes this far more challenging as she is very close to them. I poured my heart out to her continuously, beggingly pathetic, because I love her and have serious regrets. I am a good man! (with issues that need solving, like many others). She proposed that we stay FWB (the is amazing) and because she can’t imagine a life without me. She says she doesn’t want me out of her life, as she couldn’t handle it. I stopped contacting her for a while because I was somewhat hurt by this, and she responded by continuously trying to contact me and told me she loved me and didn’t want to lose me, but I feel like I can’t go backwards in a relationship. Then I cleared my head and decided it would be better to have her in my life on some degree rather than none. It made sense at the time. Now, I feel so confused inside because she texts me every day and shows me most of the romantic affection she did while we were bf/gf and we have lots of , yet we are not together. She slept over a couple of times since the breakup and loved it. Soooo…no relationship for 3 to 6 months or whatever and says there is no timeline to stamp on it. I hate being apart from her and it being this way, but its not because I don’t have my own life, but because I do truly love her…
What should I do in this complex situation? I feel mildly used and disrespected, almost as if I am not worth being with until I fix myself. But I thought people who love each other work through problems together like a team and are there for each other. I think she may have told her family and friends that we aren’t speaking with each other (because they perceive me as negative now) which kind of feels shitty, too. At the same time, she says she wants to follow her heart, regardless of what others think…but is also scared of how these other people judge her decisions (for instance if they found out we were still somewhat involved with each other).
Should I move on instead of teetering on the fence? Honestly, at this point, I feel this would be so hard to do. Should I wait?
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