December 4 at 4:14 am #6513
I have so many issues taking place in my life right now and I have no idea what to do. Along with being a full time graduate student, being in a relationship with a guy I consider to be great, teaching a college writing course, and just dealing with life, I have been having troubles with my parents. I will be seeking a third parties advice on Monday but I cannot wait that long to get some advice.
The basic breakdown is this…
Starting in April of this year a great guy came into my life. My dad did not like him to begin with and my mom coaxed him to be nice and understanding toward this new relationship I wanted to start. My dad would say things about him being a player because he is a musician and he thought he would be untrustworthy. He was invited over for Easter and my grandma started to share things about my childhood Because I barely knew him at the time and because it would be the first time he would be tasting my cooking I was really nervous. My grandma kept on and on and after a while my mom requested that she stop. I never prompted this. My mom ended up in an argument with her mother, my grandmother, days later and they stopped talking for some months. The argument was about me and about sharing that information. Again, I did not push this issue and would have brushed it off.
In May my family attended an event on campus and I took my date along. I thought it was a great time and when we got back home me and my date wanted to go out again. My mom wanted me back a little early because I had class the following day. We ended up getting lost, not “getting lost” but literally lost which took us off our initial path and made me late for my curfew. When asked what we talked about during our drive, since we never stopped, I said that he was talking about past relationships and I was talking about mine. My mom was very upset about the content of the conversation and said it was a bad date and why would anyone want to talk about that when just starting a new relationship. I, on the other hand, appreciated hearing about his past, I was able to get some kind of insight about his life.
During this time and up until sometime in June, I believe, he would joke with my mom. My mom does not like jokes because she cannot take a joke. He found this odd and kept trying to get her to laugh at various jokes but it was not happening. She became offended because every time she would see him he would joke with her. I would mention to him that it would wise to stop and he said it was hard because it was just his nature and personality. When it got to be too much my mom confronted me and asked if I had told him to stop “harassing” her. I told her I had mentioned it but that she should tell him as well to get her point across. She said, no…I want to see if he listens to you and stops. He did not stop and joked again with her. I reiterated my point that she needed to tell him her self and thus became our “first talk/first chance.” We had a sit down talk and my mom talked about her feelings toward jokes and how she did not want him joking with her. I had to plead with my mom to give him this chance, my dad has been pretty much out of the relationship until recently. Because I had to plead I said that if he joked again then I would not see him anymore. It was a rash decision made on the spot but my mom holds me to this, up to now.
The second talk came sometime after in July, I think. He had joked again, making a statement that he would have me back home before 2AM. I dont feel that this should have been taken to the degree that it has but my mom saw this is a slap in the face. A week or so after that comment I was brought home an hour past my curfew because of a closed freeway. We had been at Laguna Beach for an art show. I blamed the responsibility on me for not watching the time but my parents still blamed him. The talk that happened this time was about being responsible and making sure that I was home on time. I changed my curfew to offer some kind of compensation for them for messing up on my part and he agreed to have me home by the new curfew time unless we were somewhere at a show in LA, etc.
This is where things get fuzzy but there was some kind of a third talk that took place or did not take place and it was because I was taking him out for his birthday. I had gotten sick (just a cough) a week before and did not sleep well the night before I was to go out. My mom woke me up and urged me to stay home and to cancel my plans. I was not going to do that because I had made these plans in advance and it was for his birthday. She said he was inconsiderate to get me sick and then to take me out in the rain (it was raining that day but not cold). This is what me and my boyfriend perceive to be his last chance.
Since then things have escalated. The last time he was inside my house was to watch a movie at the end of September. He has had to pick me up by just ringing the bell then waiting for me to come out. I find myself upset about the way things are going but do not want to lose him because of the chaos that my family has created around this relationship.
I am an avid swing dancer and so is he. But it was getting to the point to where I could not even enjoy that because my mom would attend as well and she would always comment and argue after leaving the venues, “why did he do that?” “why does he say that?” and etc. She also does not like how he “adjust” my clothing. When my necklace is crooked he fixes it and if my sweater is lopsided he fixes it. I dont mind, it’s not that I enjoy it but I appreciate that he is actually paying attention to the way I look as well as his own appearance.
These past couple days have been hellish. My mom believes that he is just around until he gets what he wants, but what if he already has? I dont feel I need to share that information with her. We used protection and we’re responsible. She recently called him a bi-ual because of the way he sits and because he has been in a bar a couple times with his sister. I have had to hear him be called an a-hole, mother f-er and much more.
There is just so much to list and now it comes down to the point in which my mom and dad feel like they want to die because of the heightened situation. They feel I do not care about them but I do. I care about them and my boyfriend very much but when I say I do they deny it and claim I am lying. They said I now how to walk to the corner to be picked up if I choose to go on anymore dates. My mom feels that this will help me feel like she did when he was joking with her and make me feel degraded to have to walk past the neighbors homes.
Help. Opinions. Insight.
I do not want to give up either side of my life. I just feel so constricted and forced to make decisions that I do not want to make.February 1 at 6:49 pm #48491
What are you, 12 years old????
I can’t how involved your parents are in the life of their graduate student (23 years old??). It’s time to cut the apron strings. Are you a child? Your parents are treating you like one!!!
I understand that you’re living under their roof and have to obey their rules, but you are an ADULT. You need to stop looking to your parents for approval and start living your life.
Who are you trying to make happy in this life time, you or your parents? It’s either you or them as it can’t be both. Hears a hint for you. You’re never going to make them happy as your mother sounds like a miserable SOB who can’t take a joke. You’re also here to live YOUR life!
I suggest moving out as fast as you can and enjoy your life. If your family truly loves you then they’ll always be there for you, good or bad. But your choices in life are yours to make, not theirs.
You need to grow up and take control of your life and stop being so subserveant to your parents. I’m not saying to be disrepectful, but be your own person!!!February 1 at 6:52 pm #48492
It should read…I can’t believe how involved your parents are….
God I wish that the edit function was returned to this site. 🙂
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.