My Story – the girl, the breakup, the letter, feel awful still

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    jackledger
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    Hi guys, first of all thank you for having enough interest and helpfullness to give my story a listen. I’ll try to keep the story as short as i can. Any help or life experiences will make me very thankful.

    I’m 19 and i’ve had 2 girlfriends. The first one i got along with truly great and it was never awkward or anything from the beginning. Felt that we were meant for each other. Except that i was the “nice guy” and eventually i began to see how she wouldn’t reciprocate the love and effort i was putting in for her, and how she ultimately was using me for her selfish needs. I was totally pissed at this, finally summoned the confidence to say we need to stop (i was really anxious and nervous back then, less now) going out.

    I was really determined to never be that “nice guy” that everyone always classically talks about. That being, the guy that always does everything right and acts perfect but never gets treated well. So i started being arrogant, argumentative and very opinionated – all stuff i never did before. It was so stupid. 🙁

    While this was happening a girl and i became attracted to each other and i ended up asking her out. We went out and even though she wasn’t as affectionate as i would like a girl to be, she was loyal, trustworthy and really a good girl without much drama. I couldn’t see this at the time because i had my guard up from the first girl, wasn’t open and didn’t act as nice as i could have acted. But i wasn’t mean all the time or anything, just overly argumentative and hard to be emotional with. In a nutshell, i swung too far to the asshole side of the pendulum with girl number 2.

    She dumped me 2 months ago. I wrote a letter soon after explaining the reason why i acted that way and i apologised for everything i did wrong. I tried contacting her after but she never responded to me anymore. So clearly she hates me i think. And i don’t even want to get her back anymore like i once did, i just have this need for acceptance from her because i still feel really guilty for acting that way, even after the letter and all.

    Anyway…

    Now i’ve noticed she’s deleted me off facebook but has an ex-bf from 3 years ago still on there. I thought he would have been gone too but no, so i think it’s something more personal then just the odd delete.

    I’m starting to relapse with anxiety and worry and all that bad crap. I’m reaching out to you guys for some help on 2 things.

    1. Why do you think i was deleted, but another ex-bf and some people she said she didn’t like are still on her friends list?

    2. It’s been 2 months but I still feel horrible for putting on this fake ‘i don’t care about feelings’ and over-confident persona when i went out with her. Now i feel for the rest of her life she will know me only as that person. How do i forgive myself/get over her?

    And what can my future look like with dating, because i really don’t want anything to do with it for a long long time, too much heartbreak and self-destruction on my behalf.

    Thanks

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