Newly broken up (EXTREMELY LONG!)

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    UnderLockandKey
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    So my boyfriend and I (or I should say EX boyfriend) were in a rut for many years with eachother. We used to spend a lot of time together, nice quiet time, just loving eachother and being there with eachother. We had a lot of hard times with money and such.
    I was always a depressed person, never had very much or any self esteem at all. So much that I got to the point to where I was rejected so often with jobs that I just gave up on getting one. This was my ex’s #1 complaint to me is that I didnt work. But something kept stopping me, lack of motivation? Feeling like it wouldnt be worth the effort because no one would ever hire me? IDK! The mind is a very complicated thing. Long story short, it felt like there was a brick wall between me and the job market for YEARS

    And so eventhough almost every single fight we ever had was because I wouldnt get a job, I would feel motivated for a day or two but when my boyfriend refused to take me job hunting.. I would get discouraged. He would tell me to call someone else to help me out.. and it was strange because why would he argue with me about getting work if he couldnt HELP me find it?
    So even when I would call people to ask for help they would say.. Why cant your boyfriend help you?? And I would have to give some lame excuse….. 🙁
    Perhaps I relied on others way too much.. I dont know.. I was very young (only newly 20 years old) when I got with my boyfriend

    Flashforward about 4 years into the relationship

    So eventually we got on our feet because he got a decent job. We were no longer relying on family or friends for help and on the surface we were okay.. But we both had gotten computers at this time and we started doing things apart – but together. We would both sit on those computers until it was time to go to bed, and then the next day he would come home from work and we’d do it again.
    Our fights were still about me getting a job, but that brickwall in front of me was still there. I no longer felt like I was in a relationship, I felt like I was child with no respect or say in anything.
    I did his laundry, cooked him dinner, brought him fresh drinks when he wanted them and tidyed up the house when it needed it. My life completely revolved around his work habits and what he was doing.

    :::::::Flashforward to 1 year ago:::::::

    My mother had died of a sudden heart attack and my dad was in poor health. He was living in a house that he could barely afford without both him and my mothers social security checks. I knew since before I even got with my boyfriend, 8 years prior, that if anything happened to my mother that I would have to move in with my dad to help him. My dad is a very interdependant person (I guess somewhat like me huh!!) and it crushed him that his marriage of 36 years was completely over because my mom was no longer there.

    My boyfriend was right there with me. Told me we would move in with my dad and help him. We moved here and the same routine was still going on. On the computers we were always 4 feet apart from eachother, it seemed like there were oceans between us. But now he was upset at me because he lost the house he was renting and we moved back in a house he felt wasn’t truly his. He paid half of the bills and I still didnt have a job.
    I would make him dinner, do his laundry, tidy up the house now and then but I was screaming inside I was so bored and depressed.

    I started voice chatting on skype with a group of people who are very awesome. It was the first time I felt happy in a long time because I felt newly popular again. I felt like I had worth in someones eyes again because I didnt feel it from my boyfriend.
    So naturally, I would start staying up late chatting.. neglecting the house and the chores and most imporantly – neglecting my boyfriend. We started resenting eachother and I began doing these ‘chores’ knowing if I did A, B, and C, he would leave me alone. We were growing to resent eachother because he was always so angry and demanding with me, and all I wanted was to feel accepted and loved. Maybe we both wanted to be respected and loved but we didnt know how to show it because of the years of mundane routine we built.

    I started having feelings for a person I was voice chatting with on Skype. Mostly because I felt unloved at home and this person went out of their way to talk to me, and was very nice. But inside I felt so guilty for having feelings like this.

    One morning he yelled at me complaining about towels that were in the dryer that weren’t dry yet. And I snapped and told him I was breaking up with him, that I was sick of the day-in day-out bullsh*t.
    We had fought before but never did either of us mention breaking up before.. I thought maybe we would just fight it out and come up with a solution and be right back together but that wasnt the case. Things seemed to spiral out of control after we broke up, we were playing a crazy hurting game with eachother.
    A few days after we ‘broke up’ I was at a friends house, a friend that I knew since 2nd grade. I was still so angry and resentful at my boyfriend and I was just venting to her. Then all of the sudden she gets up and says “Hey will you take pictures of me in lingerie for this guy?” And I said okay… so I took her phone and started taking pictures when she got a text from my then ex-boyfriend….. “So wheres the pics? You sending them?”

    I was absolutely devistated. I didnt know what to say!!!

    So when I had my ex come get me he explained that he was just ‘testing’ her to see what kind of a friend she was to me.. obviously she was no friend at all but it still hurt so badly he would do that. It made me wonder if I had never caught him, would he have kept going with her????? I dont know

    And so I told him about the feelings I had for the guy online. I wanted to be open and honest with him and start rebuilding our relationship.
    But at the same time, the group of skype people I had been chatting with for months were planning a real-life meetup. Mind you, the guy I said I had a crush on was going to this meetup as well. My mind kept focusing on the fact that I was about to go have the time of my life with these people and I still felt so happy when I was talking to them

    My then ex-boyfriend was still living with me and my dad, but now he became so obsessive and smothered me. Wanting to make-out and be near me constantly!!! It was all too much and I felt like I wanted space. I felt so much resentment toward him at that point eventhough I was trying so hard to get the love feelings back. We hadnt been touchy-feely with eachother for a long time. It felt good but at the same time my anger stopped me from truly feeling it with my whole heart.

    And so, after almost 3 weeks of being broken up I went to my trip with my skype friends. It was AWESOME and I loved every second of it. My ex was obsessive the entire time. It got to the point where the skype friends would all glare at me when he called.. telling me to stop answering him. He would call and text me like a crazy person.. getting upset when I wouldnt answer the phone or text him back. Or when I did answer the phone, I would say hi, that I was okay and then Id hang up. The thing is.. I had such a rough year with my mom dying and everything that I felt like I NEEDED THIS TRIP!!! I needed to forget everything at home and focus on having fun for that short time. Perhaps it was selfish but I felt selfish at the time.
    Its not like I didnt call my ex, I called him everynight for at least an hour. And I would text him periodically.. but not as much as he’d like to.
    I WANTED TO MISS MY BOYFRIEND while I was there!!! I felt if I could just miss him that everything would be okay when I went home… but his constant barading me with calls and texts didnt let me miss him. I felt like I resented him more for ‘ruining’ my good time.

    So when I came back home I felt distant, but at the same time I felt excited about the trip that just happened. I wanted to show him pictures and video and tell him about all the fun stuff we did. I was on a kind of ‘vacation’ high and I wanted to be one of the first people to share pictures and video of our trip to the people who couldn’t attend

    All my ex wanted was for me to pay attention to HIM, and I failed to do that. I felt resentment because he bothered me so much. I didnt feel like I missed him at all.. and so the fighting began once again
    3 days later he moved to a hotel and he’s been there for 3 weeks.
    Ive come to actually MISS HIM this time. We kept in contact a lot but I realized all of my mistakes fairly quickly. I never wanted this to happen and I wanted to get him back to maybe give ourselves a second chance

    He didnt want that.. he told me he wants to be single. That he doesnt know what he wants. While I was on my trip he met someone on facebook and started casually talking to her. The grass started looking ‘greener’ on the other side for him I guess.
    I tried and tried to get him to want to fix things but he was insistant he wanted to be single. Told me he no longer had those feelings toward me 🙁 and I went into panic mode.. called and texted him like a crazy person just as he had with me on my trip.
    For the last 2 weeks I had invited him to have dinner with me, and he was willing and would come over.. but I would always bring up the breakup and basically beg him to work things out and he would always deny me. We were still playing the hurt game in my eyes. I rejected him so now he was rejecting me. He saw I had been texting a guy and he was very upset with me, eventhough he had taken that girl out to eat one night.
    I was so remorseful about everything that happened in the past I just wanted to make things right again.

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