Please Help, What Do I Do?

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    Beema
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    I know this is somewhat long, but please read this through. I need the advice so much. Ive known this girl for over a year. She lives far away, and we used to date, but because she couldn’t handle being in the closet, things fell apart…. she wouldn’t even let me come see her, because she was too scared some one would discover her uality. One day I decided to surprise visit her despite the fact that she didn’t want me to. I didn’t know what to epxect.. Luckily, she didn’t reject me. In fact, we had the time of our lives. She was so happy I came, and I was the happiest ive ever been in my life. We were both so sad when I had to leave. It was hard because we agreed to be in an open relationship ( i didnt want her to be alone. my only condistion was that she told the guy she was dating that I existed. and she did. she told him that she loved me, and all that, and I have proof for it cuz I spoke to the guy. ) Thing is.. because of her insecurity about her uality, she kept making excuses on why i shouldn’t come back again to visit, and how it would be better if she visited me instead. She said that she would try to come for xmas if she could get time off… but I knew deep down in my heart she wouldn’t come. We got into a fight around christmas when she told me that she couldn’t visit me because she could not get time off work ( she is a full time student at well) but that she would try for spring break. We got into a fight ( we were also PMSing at the same time… ) and broke up, but stayed friends.. since then though, things have been completely unstable. She would constantly change from ” I miss you, I love you ” all the way to ” I can only be your friend “. So the both of us were confused for months… I think it mostly came from her, because she is the one that is torn from the stress about her uality, and I am out of the closet. Then one day, ( a week after that douche guy she was dating broke up with her ) we had a lovely night on msn. we were fantasizing about having a vacation togeher, and she said she wanted to go camping with me. Then… she disappeared for 2 weeks. Pretty much gave me the silent treatment. A lot had gone on with her in the past month. When I texted her, she asnwered that she was busy, and thinking. After 2 weeks of hardly talking, I got her to open up to me. She said that she was taking the time to try and figure out if she could lie to her parents about us, or tell them the truth, but that she cant do it. she then said that she doesnt think we can ever be together, because she thinks its impossible to tell her family / keep a secret.

    My heart broke, I tried to say friends, but I felt so sad after all the times this has happend that I i sent her a very loving goodbye email a few days after, saying how i hope one day things will change and we can be together as friends / more. One month later, she texts me saying she missed talking, and apologized for not texting me. she said ” its not that i wasn’t thinking of texting you, i was busy, and i was waiting for you to text me back ” which was strange because why would she say that after a goodbye email. I made things clear in the email. The more we talked the more it seemed like she possibly didn’t receive it. I’m still not sure to this day if she did, or if she was just in denile and pretending she never got it. The email did send. I asked her what the last email i sent her was about, but she said she couldn’t remember… Also, when she texted me after that one month of not talking, she also said ( after i asked her how the one month of not talking went for her ) ” I wrote many texts but never sent them, and I figured that we were both over it for the most part and able to handle being just friends ” she then asked me if I was over it, but I never answered, because i forgot to after saying something else. i mentioned to her that it seemed like she couldn’t handle it since she texted me back despite the email i sent her, but then she would just reply ” I just missed talking that’s all ” (there was a slight misunderstanding there I think ) I then said how textng was stressing me out, and I got all dramatic just after because she said ” okay i don’t have the time for this. im going, let me know if you wanna talk or not ” i asked her to try and understand, and that i was hurting. then asked for her point of view, and she said that she didnt know how to explain how she felt. ( I feel so lost in this relationship i dont even know where we are are anymore ) we had a few nice chats the next week after i agreed to just be friends. She said she wanted to be friends, but she didnt want any complications. ( I’ll admit ive been over dramatic many times in the past ) she seemed to care, but now she is giving me the silent treatment. i think… she doesn’t text me, and every time i text her she blows me off. I once asked her if she was upset, but she mentioned she has been busy… So maybe that’s all this is, but im not sure… Last week I texted her and she answered ” im kinda busy right now ” 4 days later i texted her “totally sucks that your so busy.” she answered ” ya. im with my friend now anyways ” I took offense to that, so i asked her if she was upset, and she said she wasn’t. i then told her i feel like she’s been sorta b*thcy lately, and then she said ” i don’t mean to be. ” I then texted her back ” Okay ” and she answered ” we are fine I promise ” i answered ” okay thanks ” she ended the convo with a smiley face, and hasn’t texted me in 2 days. I’m not texting her cuz I feel like she doesn’t want to talk. we haven’t had an actual convo in a week. i just don’t know if she is actually busy, or blowing me off. i thought she missed talking to me like she said. i miss her so god damn much im going insane.
    I am honestly going crazy, I love her so much. I miss her, and I would be willing to move states to live close to her, but I want to respect her… i don’t know what to do / think, I miss her so much… and there has been so much drama back and forth I don’t want to create even more of it. TAKE NOTE** I love her so much, that I would be happy being just friends, but I wanna be able to still visit each other from time to time.. I haven’t asked her to come visit me yet. I figured that since she doesn’t have to lie to her parents about us being together, that maybe she would be cool about visiting eachother… I just don’t know how to go about it. I’m hoping things will change when she is older. we are both 18. And please don’t tell me to move on, and tell me that this is ridiculous. I can’t let this go because being with her made me the happiest I’ve ever been in my life, and I am not willing to give that up. I know she cares… she says it to me all the time. I just don’t know how to go about dealing with the situation.

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