relationship/life collapse, need outside help!

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    jamieH
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    Im in crisis mode, need some small words of advise from the community i trust.

    I have been datinga girl i met back in greece while on trip. Im from canada. We have heen dating for a year now and tbo im stressing hard. There are alot of things going on. Keep in mind im passive and kind i love her with all my heart, im 23 she is 22.

    But there is a glaring problem. Events in my life and my disdain for my parents and the way they raised me has made me almost without concious. I feel and express emotion but im almost always blank faced by default and im always last to jokes. I treat her with all the respect in the world and i love her. But there is a fee things that have happened in the last year.

    I re-met her in college 4 years later i was also going but she is still in arts and i was in earth sciences. Honestly i was failing hard. Over my head and lazy. She works hard but her skill is still coming to her. I ended up dropping out 3/4 through my last year. Lost it all, debt too. I got a job at an airport, survived her parents and mine over the quitting. Worked there as hard as i could, im not lazy when im working no distractions. Made a mistake on bagging and lost my job. I had a no job period and then got on at baker hughes, she kept strong with me. Baker hughes let me go because i found out i cant drive very well :/ i stayed in the shop for a month but time came no level of hard work could save me. Another no job period. Still strong. So i got my dad to get me on with the rigs….

    In that time frame, me and her had our long planned vacation in vancouver with my family. We both lost our virginity there in the hotel room, was very romantic and special. But… Did find out i have small case of ED. Not all the time just some.

    The company is the same he worked at for over 30 years. I… Tried everything i had made it through barely on my first tour. Told me i had stamina but little body strength im not a large guy. I went home and got royal treatment from my family and her for surviving the rigs where my older brother failed so badly. I went back, spent alit on new gear.. ended up accidently causing an jear fatal accident and broke down appologized and quit.

    Knowing it would devastate my family i snuck back into town via hitchhiking. Took a bus in shame and planned to leave for good. Thinking she would leave me or her family would force us apart for my repeat life failures. I ran away. Broken and shamed.

    She text me one day and we talked. She said she loved me and convinced me to stay. I warned her for the first time that im not going anywhere in life and i want the best for her. That she should leave me and find a man who actually has his ducks in a row. I begged her to leave me. I couldnt break her like that she is too fragile. Too in love with me. Thats my fault for trying so hard to be affectionate and loving. So i came back, still no contact with family, stayed with a friend in town while i agreed to find two jobs intown for petty wages hut id be close to rita and maybe i can salvage something.

    A week went by struggling to find an apartment and no job. Finally she got me hooked up at her job at jysk, they liked me and i started also planned on working for ebgames accross the street but it fell through. Turned out another jysk employee had just found a dirt cheap but nice place in town, i found my new home buddying with him. Me and the gf still going began having again. Apparently a broke and we had a miscall when her period was late. All worried and sick. It came but we got through, a month went by of safe and we now have a scare as she is starting to feel many preggo symptoms. We know when cuz another fell off during my ED issues which we battle but i still came…. So i also have to remind that im still making 12/hour at a job WITH her. Through the events in my life beforehand with bipolar and depression from years failures past before my salvation in college. The best way to describe it is without concience. Slow. Oftrn described as cold.

    Now, my issue is clear. She has heavy autism in her blood i have bipolar, add from my mother, not me. And she is possibly pregnant with my child. She wants an abortion via pill. She also wants tubal ligation done, tubes tied. I agreed pf course. Cuz i love her and she wants this. I do everything for her now, i lost my family, my honor, money and have a dim future. I begged her to leave me several times.

    So i honestly feel dead beat. I feel like the loser i always felt i would become. Yet i have this beautiful girl who loves me. Im digging a hole for both of us of i keep going like this. I love her too much to condemn her to this kind of life.

    I agree on her decision for an abortion via pill. Once she is done, i wNt to talk to her about leaving me. That way she.can keep her tubes, find a more stable non-ED FUTURE PROOF man of her liking.

    I dont want her to love me so much i destroy her. Please dont let me destroy her, please god. I have to leave the equation but it must be her choice id destroy her if i broke up with her it must be.mutual.

    Not just but my expressionless joke-devoid self is ruining her relationship with her longtime friend. More time with me etc. Especially since our scare started.

    I need help on what to do, im at a crossroads, i feel i need to leave the equation, or i can continue and lead her into an uncertain life. I am shamed and broken as a man. Not outspoken, never fight dont argue at all i quiet, we have had no fights yet no arguments. Id never hurt her or anyone im just dead beat dead end.

    The worst part is i know it to be true. I hate myself. If she agrees im basically quitting jysk, giving all my stuff to the roommate and leaving town with a bag and falling off the grid. I dont plan on being found or anything.

    I want to disappear. My life is broken beyond repair. I feel broken and shamed. I need to let rita go humanely only once we save her from a child of mine a child from a nobody.

    If she does have the child ill get that second job, buy a vehicle, my last one broke its tranny. And work endlessly forever so oong as i know her and the child are fed and clothed. I really dont give a **** how i do, im nothing not important i focus outward ONLY. My time came and went up in flames.

    Help me, please.

    Help me save my girlfriend rita from a life with me, how do i convince her im not worth it?

    This is a similiar message for a counsellor im with but she isnt in for a week. I need help now

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