February 15 at 8:50 pm #6969
I’m not sure which section to put my message in. It fits in Soul-Mate, Life-Happiness, Infidelity… but because what I want more than anything is To Get Back Together, I put it in this section…
I love a girl completely and totally. We’ve been together 9 months. We spend so much time together, travelled together, we talk so deeply and know each other so well. We’ve both been talking about spending our lives together, living together, everything. She’s told all her friends I’m the one, she’s never been as happy as with me, her parents are happy for her, etc.
And for me, she is the greatest, most perfect girl I’ve ever known in my life. I have never been as happy as I am since I’ve known her. It’s ridiculous to say, but my world was grey and bland before, but since knowing her, I see the world with vivid colors. And it keeps getting better and better. Tyukapu!!
She’s in her late 20s, I’m 30s.
We started as very, very good friends. An instant connection. She told me about her previous relationships, and I told her about mine. She also guessed – correctly – that I’ve been with many, many girls. She joked it was obvious that I can get any girl I really want (I can’t… but that’s another story).
We started going out. It was beautiful.
For months and months, she told me that she was ok if I was with other women because she knows that what we have is so special and beyond physical. She set 3 rules for other girls: no emotional commitment, always use s, and the girl has to be good-looking. And she told me that although she was fine with it, she never wanted to know about it.
She told me this at least 40 times over months and months. She mentioned it to my friends. One time when I told her I’d fallen asleep early the night before and hadn’t gone out, she told me she was disappointed because she assumed I’d had a nice blond “or two or five” in my bed.
The incredible thing is, I didn’t even sleep with lots and lots of girls, despite what she thought. Even my friends were disappointed with me because they all thought I should have taken advantage of my girlfriend’s rules… but I didn’t because I didn’t care and didn’t want. They also thought it was a sign of European culture (she’s from Europe; I’m American). As for me, I just thought it was a sign that she and I loved each other so much that physical contact with other people didn’t matter.
For my part, I told her – and I meant it – that I didn’t care if she was with other guys. Once I went to meet her in a bar and found her in the upstairs very drunk, heavily making out with a guy, his hands in her clothes and her hands in his, and I didn’t care. I even joked she had horrible taste.
You can see where this is going.
One night at the end of January, a friend dragged me to a bar. He was celebrating something. He got me very, very drunk.
A girl talked to us. I tried to get her interested in my friend. It didn’t work. The more I tried to talk about my friend – his hair, his eyes, his smile – the more she was into me.
Finally, my friend gave up, said “She’s yours. Your girlfriend doesn’t care anyway”. And next thing I knew the girl and I were making out in the bar. The girl was silly and drunk and completely meaningless to me.
The next day, I went to surprise my girlfriend at her work since some outside commitments had kept us from seeing each other for a few days. (My visit had no connection to the night before. Remember, I didn’t feel guilty because she had told me so many times that it was ok to be with other girls. I just wanted to surprise her with her favorite food, banana chips haha).
My girlfriend was very strange. She asked me if I slept well, she asked me what I had done the night before…
… and eventually, she looked at me and said that her best friend (a guy) had called her at 2 in the morning because he had seen me kissing a girl in a bar.
My girlfriend said she couldn’t sleep. She was incredibly upset, disappointed, saddened.
Over the course of the next week, she dumped me.
She said she loved me more than she had thought she could love anyone else, had given me everything she had, but that the certain knowledge that I had been with another girl destroyed her and she couldn’t deal with it. She decided there was no way I could change because it would be like putting a bird in a cage, and therefore the only thing to do was to dump me.
I told her I could easily change. After all, she had said it was ok, so if it wasn’t ok, it would be no problem for me. It’s just that she had told me it was ok. In fact, I’d thought she’d been with other guys, but it didn’t bother me. I said many times that I was wrong in assuming what she said was true, but that I didn’t do it to hurt her, I didn’t lie, and I could easily and completely guarantee 100% fidelity now that I understand what she really wants.
Her response: if I truly had loved her, I would have realized that it wasn’t the truth when she told me 40 or more times that being with another girl is ok. I would have realized that she wasn’t self-confident enough to tell me that what she really wanted was an exclusive relationship.
She had a boyfriend of 7 years. She cheated on him several times with short-term flings, and once had a serious 6-month relationship with another man while she continued with her boyfriend of 7 years. Because of that experience, she is convinced that it’s impossible to be with another person if you really are in love with your partner.
Therefore, she decided, I can’t be in love with her, I can’t change, and (she told me) there is zero zero zero zero zero chance for us to ever be back together. She wants to be my friend, know everything about me, but she can’t be in a relationship with me, she can’t love me in that way, and she can never sleep with me again.
I loved her and still do love her completely and totally. I see my life with her. We fit perfectly together (she agrees about that too!).
I want her back. I want the life we had back. I want our future back.
We had a few days of calm talk. Then a week of emotional, horrible breaking-up. We’re now at the 2-week point and have entered the “no-contact” phase.
Thoughts? Advice? Help? Insight?
I know there’s no magic, but god oh god, I love that girl so much and want a life with her.
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