Trustworthy? Forums Couples Trustworthy?

This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Jane12 4 years, 5 months ago.

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    I have been dating this black man for about a year and 5 months now.
    In our relationship he has included his “best friend” of 4 years. At one point they did have a ual relationship but realized that their friendship is more important than an intimate relationship with each other. At the begining of his and my relationship, she did message me some hateful texts stating to me that he is her man ( i was out of town at the time), and he was sleeping over at her place. He is very adimant that they are just friends and thats all they will ever be. I either choose to accept it or leave. Sometimes I am ok with it but majority of the time im not. When he is mad at me he leaves and goes to her place. He has a ‘drawer’ of clothes for himself there so he basically has the option whether or not he wants to come home or not (we live together). This past week he left on monday. Gave no explanation of where he was going but I know that she picked him up. I came home from work and he was leaving. I asked if he was leaving for the night and he said yes, gave me a hug and left. On tuesday when I asked him where he was he said to me that he doesn’t have to tell me every move he makes. Its basically none of my business. I know that he went to another city with her because he has been following her to her apts the past few months. But yet he couldn’t tell me this. It was a BIG SECRET. This morning I decided to check his phone. Something that I don’t normally do. yesterday he sent her a text message stating “i love you for real, f.t.t.e.” (friends till the end). Funny thing is, i never get morning messages like that. Its like pulling teeth to hear him say that he loves me, yet he states he does. I keep hurting over this friendship he has with her. Am I supposed to just accept what it is, and just cherish that I am his woman. I believe him when he says they are just friends but I can’t express my pain because he will just become offended and say if you don’t like it then leave, let alone i don’t want him to know I saw that message. It doesn’t seem that if I were to go hang out with my male friend (haven’t seen him in a long while because I didn’t want to cause issues in my relationship), but it seems that it would be a HUGE issue if i did go hang out with him cause I have a feeling he would just say, go be with him…..
    I feel like i am in a relationship with him, his ‘best friend’, his two baby mothers (one whom he talks everyday to and one who he doesn’t at all) and myself. I coming to my wits end but dont’ want to leave because I do love him.



    This is not the way normal, healthy relationships operate. In fact, there are red flags all over this arrangment, coming from both sides. From what you’ve written in just this small posting, I would not even regard this as a relationship but rather an arrangement, and a Co-Dependant one at best. It’s as though you have armored yourself in denial about ongoing infidelity. My suggestion is this… if you allow for such behavior, you’re as much as fault as he. Infidelity of any kind is unacceptable. Dr. Phil himself made an astute comment once that defines infidelity as “anything you would not do in the presence of your spouse or significant other”. You can choose to continue to be co-dependant and taken advantage of, or choose to have some pride and self-respect and walk away. Best of luck.



    Leave or you’ll just end up going through this emotional cycle over and over again. Do not compromise with your feelings for him. Just love yourself more and leave.

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